8 Years Old

It’s hard to believe my boy is 8 years old already! The craziest part is just seeing day after day how much more he seems to have grown. His check up isn’t for a while yet so I don’t have the official stats.

While school continues to be a struggle, Colt is going longer between bad days. Most of the time he’s fun and cooperative. But he still has his moments where he’ll get upset about something and it just takes so long to come back down. I still worry from time to time that the school isn’t doing enough or doesn’t understand how to help. But then I get phone calls with plans to make changes to help him so I know they are trying.

Thankfully, Colt’s been good on the bus this year. No seat belts or ear muffs necessary. I think a lot of that is because he’s one of the older kids on the bus. Though, he tells me that Mr. Jamal drives like a crazy man! He spends more time in General Ed now, but some days still prefers the quieter ASD class.

Colt is still on an IEP at school and making progress on his goals. He’s been able to drop Speech from his needs. He’s much more talkative and social this year. In fact, he’s got quite the vocabulary. Never let anyone ever say that reading to your kid isn’t impactful. Unfortunately, he’s still struggling to read and that makes him avoid trying. That breaks my heart, but I try not to stress. I know he’ll get it.

Colt makes me laugh every day. His latest comedy routine is to either break out in song and dance completely randomly or “accidentally” bumping into you in the hallway and run away screaming “ghost!”. His little jig reminds me of Wednesday Addams in the original TV show. He still loves to throw himself on the floor or into the wall and stand up dazed and confused looking while exclaiming, “I’m seriously injured” in a sort of Daffy Duck impression.

Colt’s favorite gift this year was a compound bow that we got him. Mike is ready to test his patience in a whole new way. They were hunting buddies all fall and winter. Colt loved getting up early and heading out to the marsh in his waders. Kayaking and exploring the water while hunting ducks. And after that it was weekends of hunting trophy bucks with no success. Colt was still a little shy, worried he’d only wound the deer. But he has been hunting small game, squirrels, chipmunks, porcupines, and rabbit.

Whenever Colt has the opportunity, he loves to explore all the streaming channels on the Roku. No longer does he stick to the PBS Kids app, though he still enjoys the Wild Kratts and Curious George. Now there is Puss in Boots, Octonauts, Dino Ranch, and anything else that catches his attention. His latest fascination has been pirates. He’s been sword fighting zombies with a cardboard tube for weeks, steering mighty ships at kitchen chair helms, and carefully maneuvering booby traps down the hallway.

Mike’s biggest challenge with Colt is still around his eating habits. We’re trying to limit sugar and carbs during breakfast and lunch. Those are his two biggest meals, and then with snacks at school he hardly has an appetite for dinner. Which is fine, except that means he doesn’t get too much of a variety. I’m not even exaggerating when I say Mike and I were stupid excited when he ate an entire taco!

For me, I still continue to struggle with not over reacting when I’m angry. I’m supposed to be showing him how to express his anger appropriately and I still mess up. Mike also thinks I argue with Colt too much, but most of the time I’m just trying to communicate more clearly. So Colt and I go back and forth, bickering kind of, and Mike gets annoyed. It’s the same when Colt is procrastinating by asking questions and I will get caught up answering everything until Mike says “stop encouraging him!”

But overall, it’s been a much better year. We’re all growing and learning. And every day is a new adventure.

7 Years Old

I’m actually writing this a little bit early so we’ll have to see if I actually get this posted near Colt’s birthday.

This past year has been a roller coaster to say the least. At least with Colt being back in school full-time, our days are back to something resembling a routine. Colt is still riding the bus to school, and it picks him up and drops him off right outside the house. He’s buckled in because he still wasn’t keeping in his seat, and he prefers to wear noise-canceling headphones. At school, he’s still mostly in the special needs class, but he’s been spending a few hours in general ed. Edit: Today, just a few days before his birthday he came home after a great week at school, no more having to be buckled in on the bus!

The first few weeks were hard as Colt really didn’t seem to enjoy school. I inquired with his teacher and he reassured me that Colt seemed happy most of the time. Since returning from the holiday break, Colt seems to be settling in. He’s more willing to talk about his day, and we can even get homework done without too much struggle. I am not sure he’s where he should be academically, but I’m trying not to stress about it too much and just do the best we can. We’ve been working on sight words and spelling, as well as adding and subtracting numbers into the teens. He’s still not super interested in reading on his own, but as we keep sounding out words I think he’ll eventually get it. Edit: We had a breakthrough with sight words recently. He has now realized that sight words are meant to be memorized. I got out 10 or so flashcards and worked only on those words. I found early reader books that included those specific words so that he could associated the word with the story and has been doing great! He is excited again and we’ve been able to take out some words he’s recognizing well and added new words to the mix.

Almost two years into this pandemic and I have to be grateful that most of my friends and family have been healthy. Everyone in my immediate family has been vaccinated, and everyone but Colt had also received a booster. Colt has a check up scheduled for the end of January. I’m sure they’ll say he’s healthy and on track. He’s still growing out of the length of his jeans faster than the waist. He’s still a bit picky about eating, but eats mostly at breakfast and lunch so I try not to make a big deal out of dinner. Though, Mike would like to see him try more. Edit: Doctor’s appointment went well and just as expected healthy!

Colt is also really starting to show his own personality. He hates to be talked over, especially if he’s got a really big idea. I think he’ll be like his father and always building and engineering things. He still loves the Wild Kratts, and Paw Patrol. His Polar Express train was his favorite Christmas gift, but he’s also very fond of his robots and transformer. I’ve also discovered that he can play games, and not throw fits if he’s not winning, if you play cooperative games with him. He’s also learning the hard way about lying and cheating.

Parenting is still hard. I didn’t think that I would still lose my patience with Colt the way I do, but I definitely think I’m doing better than last year. I’m trying to remember the things that I didn’t like from my own childhood, and making sure that Colt doesn’t have those same memories. I wish I was also better at playing with him, I’m good when the activity is planned, but simply using my imagination to make up stories and games is hard. Colt still plays out the same scenes on repeat so I find myself getting bored. Hand me a book, or a game and I’m much more interested.

I’m hopeful that the rest of this school year can wrap without any issues. I’m hoping for a better summer than last year. And I’m looking forward to many more adventures with Colt and Mike.

Another First Day of School

At the encouragement of Colt’s principal, I initiated an evaluation be completed by the school. They were reviewing to determine if he was eligible for an IEP (Individualized Education Plan) and if he’d then be able to take advantage of special education programs offered by the school. They had a month to complete it. We met recently to review it.

At first the process was a little irksome. I wasn’t hearing any progress but I knew they had to stay on task so I didn’t complain. The night before we met, they did send me a draft so I had an idea of what was coming. Of course it wasn’t anything new. It was most of the same behavior I’d seen when he went to the Occupational Therapist to be evaluated. Colt was difficult, and not interested in being evaluated let alone be somewhere he was unfamiliar with. His test scores were all over the place. Again, nothing surprising.

At the meeting, I was a bit overwhelmed by all the people in the room. But we reviewed the document, talked more in depth about Colt and his behavior, his academic experience. It seemed for the most part that everyone agreed he was a sweet boy, who just had some social emotional issues to contend with.

In the end I was surprised to hear that they were recommending that Colt start immediately at another elementary school in the district. This other school was more adapt to handle Colt’s needs and they would be able to provide much more support. We immediately set up a date for a tour, and a follow up meeting because we hadn’t completed the review.

I’ll be honest that I was grieving a bit that Colt would no longer be going to the same elementary I had. I was, and still am, nervous about the transition for him. I am reminding myself that this is for his best and I know that once he settles in he’ll do fine. He’ll also get privileges like recess and bus rides that his other school had taken away from him (and probably did not help his confidence).

Colt started at his new school this past Wednesday. It wasn’t a great first day drop off but by the end of the day when I picked him up, his teacher said he’d had a good day. Thursday was better at drop off, but according to his teacher, his day was a little more difficult. Thankfully, Colt had a much better Friday.

Tomorrow is the first day Colt gets to ride the bus to and from school. Hopefully he can keep his butt in the seat and then they won’t have to buckle him. But we’ll see how that goes. I will miss our time sitting in the drop-off line listening to audio books. But I am looking forward to getting some time back in my day. And he’ll be picked up/dropped off right in front of the house.

Fingers crossed this next week goes well. Colt is still mostly in the special needs class but I’m not hopeful they’ll start letting him spend more time in general ed. I’ll be curious how a whole week goes.

Stressed is an Understatement

Apparently it’s been longer than I thought since I last wrote.

In my last post, Colt was about to start summer camp. Let’s just say that it wasn’t the nice quiet break I had been hoping for. Colt had a very rough time adjusting to camp. There wasn’t a week that went by where he attended all of the scheduled days for the full time. I was constantly on edge waiting for the school to call and ask me to pick him up.

And when Colt started summer school I was a nervous wreck. But it actually seemed to make his time in the afternoon at camp better. Even though they were trying to accommodate him, eventually they asked that he not attend. They felt he was too smart for the reading program and that he was bored.

At the same time, I started taking Colt once a week to occupational therapy. They completed an initial evaluation and thought he could use help following directions. Which seemed to fit exactly what the school had been telling me. The sessions were hard for him and me both. Usually he was not in the mood having just spent all day at camp, now being asked to again follow all the directions in a building full of toys was not easy for him.

But summer flew by and soon it was time for school to start. I paused OT sessions until I could determine how school was going to go. At first, it seemed like Colt was doing OK at school, the only complaint coming from his bus driver. I met with his principal who encouraged me to start evaluations through the school to see if he qualified for any special services.

The first month of school seemed OK until suddenly I was told Colt was no longer allowed to ride the bus. Mike and I were able to make it work, albeit it was not super convenient. The next week, I was surprised to learn that Colt had earned Student of the Month.

Colt’s school work wasn’t always complete, but I did notice that he had an aid helping him. He also had homework that was occasionally a battle to get him to complete, but it was all pretty easy for him. His first standardized test did not reflect what I felt he was capable of.

The week after he earned Student of the Month, Colt had a rough Tuesday. He didn’t want to come back to class after recess. He eventually threw a fit and hid in the bathroom. I was called to come pick him up because anything the behaviorist had asked him to do, he was being very defiant against doing.

When I met with the staff to pick him up, I felt like they were treating him as if he was incapable of understanding what had happened and what was being said to him. I pointed out that he was very upset, and that he was a very bright kid. His test scores from the year prior should have been an indication. Nonetheless, they suspended him from school the next day.

Thankfully, Thursday was an early release day, and everything seemed to go well. Friday however, was a bit more difficult. The school was having a planned evacuation drill and they were worried about Colt participating. They were concerned that he’d run away and potentially get hurt. The email I received again made it sound like Colt was so incapable of following directions that he’d run right out into traffic.

I swallowed any anger and decided to bring Colt to school late that day. We were able to go out for breakfast and enjoy the morning.

And now it’s Sunday night, and I’m worried about how tomorrow is going to go. But I keep telling myself to just take it one day at a time. And just start each day new and hope for the best.

The Last Day of Kindergarten

A few days late.

Anyone who has read any of my posts this past school year should know by now that it wasn’t an easy year. I don’t think anyone had an easy year. I struggled quite a bit during virtual at home school on Zoom because Colt couldn’t seem to following along. I tried not to set too high of expectations for him. But it was hard nonetheless.

I am not sure if I ended up mentioning it at all in a previous post. After Colt returned to in person school I started attending his teacher’s virtual office hours on Wednesday. It gave us a few mins over coffee to talk about how Colt was doing and what they were doing in class. I missed having those opportunities like I would at pick up and drop off when he was still going to daycare. Most of the time everything seemed pretty normal. He was a little forgetful when it came to bringing home his school work. He needed to be asked a few times to do something, but overall he was a good student, kind, and the other kids enjoyed playing with him.

However, it seems that he had started being a little more “aggressive” on the playground. He would play a game he called monster where they took turns chasing each other and roaring. Unfortunately, not every kid enjoyed this game. So between his teacher and I, we began working on making sure that if someone says stop, that Colt listens.

And then I got a message from the Behavior Interventionist. During her time with Colt on recess, she noticed that he was not always listening to the other kids when they asked him to stop, so an adult would intervene. And he was becoming a little attached to those adults, frequently asking for hugs, or tugging on their lanyards. Again, they offered suggestions on how to echo those lessons at home.

And then I got a letter from school asking if I would be willing to allow the Social Worker to meet with him. Seems the Behavior Interventionist had the chance to watch him for some time during class hours, rather than just at recess, and she noticed some characteristics that are frequently seen in kids that are sensory-seeking, or hyposensitive. She noticed that during circle time, Colt would seemingly follow along in his head, but that it was obvious a different story was playing out. He’d occasionally mouth the letter sounds, but he wouldn’t write out the words or letters they were practicing. She also observed that during art class he would sit cross legged in his chair, like he was having trouble engaging his core muscles. She also noted that he would cover up his drawing whenever the teacher came by, like he was ashamed. But then was much more confident when they were painting. She recommended that I speak to his pediatrician about an Occupational Therapy Evaluation.

I had put off scheduling an appointment with Colt’s doctor. I wasn’t entirely convinced. I am still not totally sure that Colt is sensory-seeking. But when I look back at things I can see where the shoe may fit. This is the kid that loves to wear his life jacket, even to breakfast, whereas other kids would scream having to put them on. His love for slapstick comedy finds him throwing himself on our furniture regularly. He sleeps on a mountain of stuffed animals every night. As he walks down the hall, his fingertips have to trace the wall.

We have an appointment to see an OT on June 21, and we’ll start therapy on July 12.

My gut tells me that if he does have some force inside him that makes it difficult to pay attention, to do well in school, then I should be appreciative that the school is making an effort now, rather than labeling him as a misfit or trouble-maker. And my gut tells me that if he does need help quieting those urges to move about, then it is best he learns that now from professionals.

And in the meanwhile, I am again working my way though the book, Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. Hoping to help find ways to keep the peace in the house this summer. I have probably read 60% of the book 3 times now. I start reading it and everything starts to make sense and I try to start employing some of what I learn at home and then we slip into routines and I don’t have time to read. Then something will happen and it will remind me again that I have this book and I start reading it again. This time I bought the paperback, as I am hoping to be able to refer back to it more easily.

I am grateful that the covid numbers are so very low again right now. Colt starts Summer Camp tomorrow morning and I hope this gives him the opportunity to socialize and have fun while I am busy working. He is also scheduled to attend Summer School in July, a program his district is offering to help make up for the crazy school year. His principal was a bit concerned that they would not know how to handle Colt, but I am hoping that we can get some ideas from OT that will help. Worst case scenario I pull him from that program and he just attends Camp at that time.

Stay tuned for what I find out from OT and how things go with new schools and new teachers, and new schedules!

A Little Relief

Last night I tossed and turned. Once again it was a new week and another chance for Colt to attend summer camp. Sigh.

Colt started attending what is basically daycare hosted by the district three days a week. Only on the very first day I got a call less than an hour after dropping him off asking if Colt was special needs. By lunch time I was called again, and this time asked to come pick him up. He was not following directions and not keeping his hands to himself.

The second day was a bit better, it was 2pm before I was called and asked to pick him up. Again, they said he was being aggressive on the playground. Confused and sad, as I never want anyone to get hurt, Mike and I had to have a tough conversation with Colt. My brain swirling with thoughts, was this behavior new? Was this the same behavior as when he was in school, but they had downplayed it and I didn’t understand the seriousness? What were we doing wrong and how could we fix it?

The 3rd day I was a nervous wreck thinking about what he was doing all day. Would I be getting a call? Should I just go get him early so they don’t have a chance? I stuck it out and we managed to make it til the end of the day with no call from school. Whew! We now had four days to rest and reset. I’m not going to lie when I say I was still worried all weekend. On top of that, Colt had his evaluation with the OT on Monday.

To say I was exhausted after the evaluation was an understatement. It was very clear that Colt did not want to be there. I talked with the OT about what the school had said, about his behavior at home, and his latest struggles at camp. She did some tests, and Colt put some effort into them but quickly lost interest. He was much more interested in all of the other things in the office he wasn’t supposed to be getting into. At the end, she suggested two goals; working on following directions, and working on his handwriting. He’ll start therapy in July.

Of course, this did not give me much hope for summer camp the next day. And I was right. Mike had to pick him up that day because I was in meetings. And 5 minutes before he was due, I got the call that Colt was done, he needed to be picked up. I assured them that Mike was on the way, and waited. It seemed like it took forever for them to get home. And then to my surprise, Colt and Mike stayed in the truck talking for long time. Mike was able to get out of Colt that he was asked to clean up, and when he refused he got into trouble. Whatever it was that Mike said to him, Colt immediately came into the house and picked up his toys in his room.

Day 5 I pulled out a secret weapon. I purchased off Etsy a weighted stuffed raccoon we named Rocky. I told Colt that we would bring Rocky to camp and ask if he could could bring it inside, they said absolutely. And we’ve now had 3 days in a row without any calls from camp!

I wish I could say that was it. But like I mentioned in the first paragraph, last night, I tossed and turned. Colt seems to have settled at camp. He has 3 days this week and then he and I are both off next week. A break that seems to be coming at just the wrong time. And… Summer school starts the next week. And therapy. As I laid in bed I decided that I would pull Colt out of summer school.

This morning I ended up getting another email from the summer school coordinator and so I took the opportunity to email her and explain the situation. I thought for sure she’d respond back and say it was my choice but that perhaps it made more sense to pull him out. I had of course been warned by his principal after all. To my surprise, the coordinator called me immediately. She explained to me what the program would be like, that there would be plenty of opportunity for Colt to move, dance, and sing. That there was a smallish class, and that there would also be recess. She told me that she’d talked to the principal and said that she’d be available to be an extra person on recess to help. She said she’d make sure that Colt had appropriate fidget gadgets, and I told her about Rocky and she assured me that Colt would be allowed to bring him. She also recommended that I look on Amazon for a wobble cushion, which I immediately purchased.

I quite literally cried tears of relief when we got off the phone. I am so amazed at how much this district has worked amongst the staff to make accommodations for Colt while we try to meet his educational needs. I really hope this all works out for Colt and we can get back to working on things like reading, writing, and math. I’d like to worry a little less about my kids behavior and instead enjoy engaging in his education with books and toys. We may just make it.

A New Hope

Don’t @ me for the title…

I started writing about Covid-19 with this hope that our quarantine wouldn’t last long. I had a lot of fun in the beginning making the best of a shitty situation. Activities, more family time, even starting a Facebook group for parents working with kids at home. Eventually, the deaths and the gravity of the situation were too much to write about. I took most of the summer off from blogging because every time I tried to start a new post I would start writing about the status of the world and it depressed me. And with that, I missed out on writing about a lot of good things that did happen in spite of it all.

I had started a post on New Years Eve looking back at the year and even that still sits in the draft bin. But maybe I can finally find the words I’ve been looking for. Why now? Why the sudden optimism? Yesterday, Mike and I were able to get our first dose of the Covid-19 vaccine. I’m not just excited for us, but a good majority of our immediate family have received at least one shot. Some are now fully vaccinated. So many of my friends who I have rarely seen outside of a computer screen are on their way to being fully vaccinated as well. It actually seems as if there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

So what did I miss? My last quarantine post was in June. We spent a lot of the summer outside. During the work week I’d frequently set up my laptop outside at the patio table after lunch, taking meetings while Colt played in the yard or our little splash pool. Colt learned to ride his bike without training wheels. And we 0pent as many weekends up north as we could. I’m grateful we had someplace we could go while still isolating as best as possible. There were a lot campfires, and kayak adventures, and just being outside.

Thankfully, the covid numbers had gone down a bit over the summer. Jer had to start her internship in Salt Lake City, so Jes and I took a few days off to drive out with her. While it was hard to leave her there, it was a fun journey and I’m grateful I got to spend that time with my sisters. I’m also happy to say that Jer will be coming back home to Michigan later this summer.

Fall was hard. Between the the anxiety about whether or not Colt would start kindergarten in-person or remotely, the rising covid cases, and work projects picking up. We actually had a relatively nice night for Halloween, and I was able to take Colt around trick-or-treating, with masks on of course. The only thing that I, and a lot of other people were desperately waiting for, wasn’t the holidays, but the US Presidential Election. Although we had no idea how contentious it would be. It was a sign the tides would be changing.

Of course, the new year brought new anxieties. Colt was to return to in-person schooling. Which again was my decision. Things had become so difficult between him and I during remote learning. It was very difficult, I so much wanted our kids to stay home and keep everyone safe. But at the same time my mental health was declining and it was impacting the relationship I had with my son, and husband for that matter. While I am entirely not happy that the covid numbers are rapidly increasing again, I feel a little better knowing that at least his grandparents were getting their vaccines. The most vulnerable amongst us would stand a chance if one of us were to catch it.

And that brings me back to yesterday. Finding an available appointment for Mike and I to get our vaccines was like a giant weight off my chest. A funny side note, my friend Kim who recommended that I check the CVS registry ended up getting an appointment at the same location, and the same time that I did. It was so fun to see her!

And while I know we are not out of the storm yet, and our government is not exactly responding to the growing numbers right now the way I’d like, the fact of the matter is that more people are able to get vaccinated, and as the number of people vaccinated continues to climb, the less this virus will spread and we’ll be able to get back to things again.

This is the tough part of this post… Life will not return to “normal”. As of writing this post, 130 million people in the world have reported being infected. 2.83 million have died. In the US, we’ve reported 30.6 million cases and over 550k deaths. I personally know dozens of people who have tested positive, some of them still impacted by lingering symptoms. And I know people who have died.

For many people, this past year has been difficult. But for some, this past year has been a nightmare. I hope I never forget this year. I hope that over time, you’ll see less photos of us wearing masks. I hope that you’ll see more pictures sharing occasions with people I care so deeply about. I can’t wait to hug friends and family. I hope this past year set a new example for how we can change to focus on things that matter the most.

6 Years Old

Colt turned 6, over a month ago. It’s not that I didn’t want to write something a month ago, I did think about it, but like most of this pandemic, thinking about things rarely seems to turn into doing that thing. It’s weird, but when you have all the time in the world to do what you want, and not be dragged down with commutes and places you have to be, sometimes you just don’t feel like doing anything.

Anyway, this post is supposed to be about how Colt has grown and about how I have grown as a parent.

I went back and re-read the post I wrote when he turned 5 and I am just in awe about how much has changed, and how much has honestly stayed the same. I was so excited and nervous about Colt attending kindergarten having just attended the round up at his school. Little did I know, that all that preparation and planning would be gone by the time Colt actually started school. Where I was looking forward to the gradual introduction of life at a new school, about attending during his first day so all the parents could see how things would go, would actually turn out to never happen. Instead he started Kindergarten in a Zoom meeting on a chromebook in my kitchen. And when he was finally allowed to attend in person school just a few weeks ago, no parents are allowed to go into the building.

I have spoken in previous posts about my challenges with virtual kindergarten so I wont go into that again. But I will say that there has been a new sense of peace in the house since Colt returned to in-person learning. I have to admit that it is weirdly quiet in the house without him. The first few days of him back to school I did find time to pick up the house and run the Roomba like I used to do back in day. I do really miss having him around, but I like not having to pester him about things. And even though Mike gets off work just in time to meet Colt at the bus stop each day, I have admittedly been more than excited to throw on my coat and walk down to greet him as well.

As far as academics go, Colt does a really good job of identifying all of his letters, both upper and lowercase. He’s pretty good at counting up to 30. We still have to keep working on his letter sounds, and counting by 10s, and up to 100. He’s working on site words as well. Surprisingly, I have not been really focused on what he can do, though I did review with him the other day to kind of see where things stood. I am hoping that at this point in the year, Colt can instead focus on getting back into the routine and the process of being at school. I have to keep reminding myself that every kid had a crap situation this year and I am sure that they will recover.

Last year at this time I was looking forward to the many awesome outside play dates that I was hoping to have. I challenged Colt and I to spend 1000 hours outside and I was hoping that we’d get a lot of our friends out along with us. We tracked well over 950 hours so we probably hit our goal. But there were not as many play dates as we’d hoped. Recently, we celebrated Colt’s friend’s birthday, outdoors, wearing masks. There was a moment as he was running around chasing his friends on the play equipment, I thought to myself, who ever would have imagined a childhood like this? I never in my wildest dreams I would be impressed that a 6 year old was capable of playing for 2 straight hours and not taking his mask off except for once when it slipped off his ear.

Of course, we had to cancel our enrollment in Ninja Class and Swim Lessons. And while I know a lot of kids are starting to go back into those activities, I don’t know that we will be just yet. Colt has asked about Ninja class, stating that he missing Coach. Maybe this summer if they can have more things outdoors or at least have the big doors open like they did in the past.

Colt is able to make me laugh again. It’s not that he had stopped trying, but I was finding it hard to enjoy the little moments. I still struggle with how to take a moment for myself. If that makes any sense at all. I miss the drive from work to daycare, that moment where I could take off my work responsibilities, before turning on the mom duty. And I used to complain that the drive was still too short for me to take that needed break. Over the summer I did a better job at stopping to do things with Colt, whether it was eat a meal or go for a bike ride, or even do an activity for a bit. Once school started and my schedule was harder to work around, I kept telling myself that if I just keep working then I will get off of work earlier and then I can focus on family. But it was still hard. All I really wanted was just a moment to myself, and the easiest way to get that was doom scrolling on Facebook or playing a quick game on my phone. And Colt knew it. And I felt like I was spending more time telling him, “just a minute” or “give me a moment to just rest and then I will…” But there are moments like today when he can make up a story on the fly and act in such a way that I look at him and I just marvel at how creative he is. I really hope that he’s able to find joy in theater so many of my friends did when we were in school, I do think he could be a natural.

Colt will be attending school full days, 4 days a week starting Monday thanks to some government mandate to get kids back in person sooner. I am trying to see the bright side in that more people are getting vaccinated, including Mike and I’s parents. And vaccines will be available to all adults in Michigan starting in April. Of course right now our numbers are back on the rise… I am just glad the school year is almost over, I know it’s only March but soon it will be spring break and then there will be just April and May, and a bit of June. And then we’ll be trying to figure out what he does for the summer.

Gosh, and feel like I am still just so stuck in this stupid corona virus world where I can’t even write a decent blog about my son.

You know what, Colt has done some amazing cooking with me over this past year. He has his own chef’s knife and he is really good at cutting up and peeling veggies for me. And we’ve baked cookies, and muffins. We’ve made homemade pizza! And he’s starting to eat more varying foods. He recently even started eating salad! So I am super looking forward to our second year of our garden where I hope he continues to find love in food.

Oh and he had a doctor’s check up and went to the dentist even. And he’s tall and healthy and does an excellent job of brushing his teeth! He’s getting better at not bouncing all over during those visits too.

Colt still comes into my office and just wants to snuggle on my lap and get a hug during the day. He loves to give hugs. Even when I tell him he shouldn’t right now because of the bad germs, he hugged his dentist and the bus driver today. And even with all of the hard days, and the fighting, I knew I wasn’t the worst mom in the world if he still came to me when he was hurt, upset, or scared. Even if I felt like I was the cause of those feelings. And even thought I know it’s going to be the worst night’s sleep ever, if he comes crawling into by bed in the middle of the night, steals my covers, and pushes me off the edge all night, I’ll still hold him and kiss his head.

Here’s a visual for life with a 6 year old during the time of Covid… Colt comes home from school today, he’s wearing his pajamas because its International Napping Day and he got to wear them. He’s got a winter coat, hat, and his mask on so he’s this little bundle of just eyes. He actually reminds me of a tiny Shredder from TMNT if any of you get that.. And I help him with his hat and he takes off his mask, and he has a blue face. Like blue from like frosting, blue. It’s all around his mouth and even up on his nose. And I had to laugh because there is the really good possibility that his teacher didn’t have a clue what was hiding beneath that mask after snacktime.

And with that, I will conclude that this year has been tough, in strange ways I never would have imagined. And I am looking forward to warm, sunny days outside with my kid. And I am continuously amazed at his creativity, and hard work, and his comedic timing. I love the way I can read what he is thinking just from looking at his face. I love that he’s curious and adventurous, though I wish that he’d slow down. And I hope that maybe someday, he’ll get to look back on these posts and see just how much his parents really did care for him and love him. And know that when you are a parent you are growing up at the same time your children are, and to never stop trying to do better, it isn’t easy all the time. But you wake up fresh and start each day over.

The Night Before The First Day of Kindergarten… Again

So here we are again. Tomorrow Colt starts school again, only this time it will be a hybrid schedule. He will be in-person 4 days a week, for only a half day. The other half of the day will be asynchronous as well as Wednesdays. It looks like there will be about a dozen kids in his cohort. He will be required to wear a mask while at school.

Covid numbers are trending back down to where they were at the start of school year. They are still higher than I’d like, but at least now we have a better understanding of the virus and we’ve finally been able to start vaccinations. I feel more comfortable with the number of students in his class. I’m glad the school is taking precautions still.

I’m not one of those parents who feel that Colt is falling behind. I’ve reviewed with him kindergarten basics and I think he’s right on track. I’m actually looking forward again to supplementing his education rather than being a secondary teacher. I enjoy looking for fun ways to help him learn, I Pintrest ideas all the time. But I know that I lack patience. Bringing out a game for Colt to play is my joy, until I can tell he’s not interested, and as a parent I can step back and say maybe later. Being his teacher’s aid during Zoom calls took more patience than I ever thought would be expected. And there were a lot of days I lost my cool. I was under an invisible obligation to keep Colt on track for longer than he had an attention span for.

I’m also not a parent concerned that my child needs social interaction. I’m hoping that being back in a classroom will help Colt follow along with other actual kids. It’s hard to participate when you can’t hear or see your classmates. I know it won’t be a normal kindergarten class. They won’t be able to play together or have lunch or recess even. It’s not perfect, but it’ll do for now. He spent 5 years in daycare with other kids. He’ll pick up social queues and friendships and all those other skills just fine as they start coming together again.

If there is a single thing I’m most excited about, it’s getting back to focusing on being Colt’s mother. He will always be my number one priority, but now I’m hoping we can repair the relationship that was torn apart by having to be educator and employee during his time. Sure, I think the lines were more grey before. I’ve checked work emails during swim class. Taken calls on the way home from daycare, but we started our days early so there would be plenty of family time in the evening. I’ve had to shift to fit around school and I work much later in the evening then I’d like.

We’ll continue to keep being as safe as possible. I’ll hope that wearing a mask for a few short hours will be tolerable for Colt. I think we’ll be seeing less of our grandparents, which is already too little. At least until they are vaccinated. It’ll be a while yet before I get my shots. Hopefully Mike won’t be too much longer. And kids should be shortly after that. I’m grateful our state prioritized our educators, now we just need to get more doses available.

I’ll try to be better at posting more frequently. And I’ll let you know how it goes this week.

And on… And on…

For an example of how things are going, all you need to do is look at my draft blog posts. I finally find a moment to write, an idea to write about, and a sense of confidence that I seem to have a grasp on things… But then I run out of time, or have a new challenge to overcome, and the new sense of having not a clue what I am doing.

I started the year off burnt out by a lot of things. Finding it difficult to find the motivation for a lot of things. Work was at a plateau, it was steady but lacking a challenge. Colt was turning 5 and keeping him appropriately entertained and challenged was also a thing. I felt he should be farther ahead developmentally, but also I was feeling pressure to not rush anything.

And then came March and the virus that I didn’t want to believe was going to be any sort of thing. But I was wrong. And so were so many other people. And we all stayed home. We’ll, most of us. And so many people died. And so many more got sick.

And here it is what, 9 months later. The spring was a challenge, but more like an obstacle course. There were hurdles to navigate, but I found a groove balancing work, teaching Colt, and taking care of the house. We had socially distant visits with family, Zoom Meetings with friends. Into summer at least there was the outdoors. We went up north a lot. Colt was able to play in his pool, while I worked from the patio. It wasn’t the best, but we were making due.

This fall has been rough. With cooler weather, has come heated tempers. Our home now a constant tornado. At first, I had plans. Organization for our newly chaotic schedules. Wake up early, do some work, wake up Colt and get him ready for virtual school. Work some more, but make sure that Colt isn’t rotting away in front of the TV or computer screen. Oh and don’t forget trying to maintain that fine balance of being able to help Colt with his schoolwork, but not be too close so he can be independent.

Colt and I began to fight. A lot. Nearly every day. We woke up just toeing the line between OK and train wreck. It was very hard for me to admit that I couldn’t figure out how to parent a child that had gone from spending every weekday at daycare, to every day at home. Was I really not meant to be a stay at home parent? Was this why I felt it was so important to get 40 hours away from my kid every week? Was I really that awful of a parent?

Obviously it couldn’t be me. It’s the pandemic making us all crazy. Right? But that doesn’t solve for anything. You can’t just turn it off. You can’t just go back to normal and pretend everything was OK. So now what?

I get unsolicited, but welcomed advice. I can not, I should not, fight school. OK. So I let things go a bit. If Colt wants to sit across the room while listening to his teacher read a book, fine. If he’s fidgeting in his seat, he’s 5, it’s fine. Is he’s not tracing his letters during class, fine he’ll do it later. But why are he and I still fighting?

It must be me.

Solicited advice this time, from a parenting book I had forgotten about. It opens up on a chapter describing the difference between introverted and extroverted children, and parents. If you are reading this, know that this doesn’t mean that I’ve suddenly found the answer. I am still processing this and taking it day by day. It is right now about securing my own oxygen mask before assisting others. It’s about recognizing when I feel Colt or myself slipping into a place where we are going to come to blows. It’s about vocalizing my emotions. And if any of this sounds familiar, you’ve probably also read, Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka.

Back to that extroverted thing. I thought not being around other people wasn’t that awful. I was still seeing friends online. I still talked with my family. I still occasionally got out to a store and interacted with other people, of course with a mask. Hell, even gossiped with the neighbors. And Mike was doing me a favor by taking Colt up north and leaving me behind to catch up on work, TV, sewing, sleeping, cleaning, whatever. But I think back to when I was a teen, and driving the family car around. I never filled the gas tank. I couldn’t afford that. But I’d throw $5 in when I could. And it was enough to get me around town. I feel like since March, I’ve never been full. I’m just scraping by with what I have, and hoping to make it day to day.

I know I’m going to be ok. I know there are days where I’m going to be drained dry. I know there are days where I have enough to get me through to the next morning. I don’t necessarily know how I’ll ever top off my tank. Things are never going back to what we thought was normal. Colt will learn to read, he’s already making strides in the right direction. He’s pretty gosh darn good at math. And he’s even impressing me with his writing. He’ll skip right along to first grade next year and will probably not even remember, that terrible, no good, rotten time we were all stuck.

And I’ll be fine.

And I’ll actually finish a blog post.

And work will go back to the confines of a 9-5 day.

And I’ll blissfully listen to the whirs of my Roomba as he moves about my uncluttered home.

Some day relatively soon I hope.