Saturday was bout day. I was feeling pretty good Saturday morning. I had gone to bed early the night before and I woke up at a pretty reasonable time feeling refreshed. I ran some errands. Life was good.
As I prepared to get ready for that evening’s bout I did what I always do and stepped on the scale before jumping in the shower. I always weigh myself nekked that way I can’t blame anything on what I am wearing. And lo and behold, I was down another few pounds making my total weight loss for that week around 3.5 pounds.
Yes, I know. Weight is just a measure of how hard gravity is pulling us down. It has very little to do with how I look and feel.
But not only was there a little weight loss, I also felt my pants were a little looser. I have felt stronger. I have felt like I have had more energy in the day, and I am sleeping better at night. I was feeling good about myself. Damn good!
I carried that amazing feeling with me the rest of the night. And probably should have dropped it off somewhere before the after party cause … We’ll just leave that at the after party.
Monday I was scheduled to work out with Kraken. Rather than working up a sweat, we talked. We talked about all kinds of things but mainly how I felt about myself, and where I wanted to see myself.
I don’t have a measurable goal like a lot of Kraken’s other clients. I don’t want to pass skills test, or make the A-Team. And part of that is because I don’t want to have to choose between skating and starting a family. I know the commitment that skating entails and right now I am happy with the level of commitment I am giving the league. I know plenty of moms that make it work, but I want to make that decision when I get there. Who knows? Maybe I will want to take up derby as a skater, to work off those pregnancy pounds and stay fit. Again, a bridge I will cross when I get there.
For the past year, my goal has been to get baby ready. I want to lose weight so that I can increase my chances of conceiving. I want to decrease my chances of getting gestational diabetes. I want to provide my baby with the healthiest place to grow.
As Kraken and I discussed these things, we agreed that getting healthy was an added bonus to working out. I still could get diabetes later, even if I do lose weight. And so I kept trying to figure out a new goal. Run a marathon? Ride my bike in a race? Dead-lift a hundred pounds? F***, I don’t know!
And then there was this:
This cartoon was shared by a friend on Facebook. The link to the original is here: http://lezgetreal.com/2013/05/an-awesome-positive-message-for-girls-of-all-ages/
I understand enforcing a positive body image in girls. Reminding us daily that we are not all made alike, and that we are not all super models.
But the thing that really gets me about this message, and those Dove commercials (Here’s a few on Youtube.) is this: Yes, I want to love my body. Yes, I know I don’t look like that girl over there. But I want to be healthy.
Looking at that girl in the picture above only made me envious of her cartoon drawn waistline. She doesn’t have the extra belly fat that puts her at a higher risk for diabetes. She probably doesn’t have the high triglycerides that my doctor is always complaining about. That cartoon has never had to worry about those things.
Granted, I don’t know the women in those commercials.They could all be perfectly healthy.
But I know that what I carry around with me everyday is not what I want to see when I look in the mirror. You know what the bonus to being healthy is? Feeling good about how you look.
So there it is.
My goal isn’t to look sexy, or to even just feel sexy. My goal isn’t to bench press a Volkswagen. My goal isn’t to run marathons. Those things will come when I get this body under my control again. Well, maybe not the bench pressing a Volkswagen thing. Once I have my body, under my control, I’ll be able to do whatever I want.
And I am working on it. I am exercising. I am pushing myself more each day (thank you Peaches!). I have gone 2 weeks without a Pepsi. I am eating better. I am reminding myself every time I want to eat that because of this, that food is merely fuel. In the mighty words of Kraken Whips, you can’t hang poop on the wall, so why reward yourself with food.
Thank you Kraken, for talking with me. I know I still don’t have a tangible goal, and I shouldn’t base everything on pounds or inches or whatever. But I promise that I will keep working at it. And I will learn from myself what new things I can do. And I will find joy in things that I never found before. Go dancing? I’d love to! Especially now that I am not always thinking about what my ass looks like! And with that I will find those goals to set, those milestones to reach for.
And of course I will continue to write about it here.
No ill feelings towards the author of that cartoon. It is a very nice message and I hope it helps young girls feel better about themselves.